Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?
While I can't take credit for coining the phrase, "Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?" I share this simple yet powerful phrase with many so many people I talk to. Some may find it rather elementary sounding, but I've seen how children and adults alike react in meaningful ways when they are asked this. I think it holds a lot of power in how we truly see a person in a moment of need, and believe that it can be especially helpful when we might be the type of person who is inclined to jump in and fix a situation.
Our bodies and minds are naturally hard-wired to avoid pain, whether it be physical or emotional. We look for ways to soothe ourselves and escape from uncomfortable feelings. When we see someone we love experiencing pain or discomfort, a natural reaction is to swoop in and protect the ones we love from a difficult situation. In some ways this is good, especially when harm to oneself or others is imminent, or certainly when we are in a caregiving role for small children or someone with unique needs. However, there are many times where our loved one is more than capable of navigating through a tough situation without our help. Sometimes we jump in unnecessarily to "fix" or "save" our person because WE feel better about that. It addresses our own needs of discomfort, but is it really helping our loved ones in the way that they truly need? Consider the following:
What if we started to use the phrase, "Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?" to check in with our loved ones in their moments of difficulty or pain?
If they want to be helped: some questions you could ask your loved one might sound like this:
What would it look like for me to offer you help or assistance? What resources or information do you need to help you navigate your situation? How do you want to move forward from here?
If they want to be heard:
Here is an excellent time to practice skills of active listening. You may feel compelled to jump in and problem solve, or provide solutions to their situation, and I'm here to tell you that just listening is a wonderful way to be a safe space for them.
If they want to be hugged:
Sometimes the very best way we can show up for the people in our lives is to help them feel that they are seen, loved, and connected to you through the healing touch of a hug. According to one study, it takes seven seconds of a hug in order for the brain to release oxytocin – a hormone that is associated with increased levels of trust, calmness, and creativity. (This is also your reminder that asking for a hug to help you with what you're going through can deliver some wonderful benefits).