Why nagging backfires and natural consequences empower
When I started driving as a teenager, the last three words that I’d hear my father say to me each time I left the house were “Wear your seatbelt!” Safety was a pretty strong value in our household, and these wise words of wisdom likely saved my life during a rollover accident in my teens. Fast forward 40 years and we’re still talking safety but there’s been a bit of a role reversal.
Now in his early 80s, my father rides his bike daily as one of his main forms of transportation and exercise. I admire his commitment to both his physical and emotional health, and he's always been a great role model in this area. However, what perplexes me to no end, given aforementioned value of safety, is that he has habitually refused to wear a helmet on these bike rides!
While I don’t recall any type of valid explanation from him, it didn't stop my nagging, pleading, and begging (and probably an unhealthy dose of shaming) to get him to wear one. I wasn't successful in convincing him either, even as I tried to use the safety lessons of my youth to persuade him.
As one might expect at this point, I received a phone call from my sister recently. She had just finished a FaceTime call with our parents and learned that a few days earlier, he careened way too fast up their driveway on his bike, lost his balance, and was thrown over the handlebars. His face met the pavement first, resulting in a nasty gash to the head and a black eye. His guardian angel must have been on duty because no concussion or other serious damage resulted, thank goodness.
Folks, this is what we call a “natural consequence.” No amount of shaming, begging, pleading, or nagging had been successful in getting my dad to wear a helmet. It took a worldly lesson to teach him that the wise decision would have been to always wear one.
"To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior
is to render them powerless."
- Dr. Henry Cloud
Maybe you’ve been after a loved one to change a specific behavior because you fear a negative outcome. This could be a relational, financial, physical, or any sort of outcome that has harmful consequences. Furthermore, when we are constantly harping on our person, it has the negative effect of hardening their heart, or of them tuning us out. When we step out of the role of being the “bad guy” we can focus our energies and efforts on being curious about their behavior and seeking to understand what’s driving it. We can lovingly express our concerns and offer to help if and when they’re ready to change their behavior, but nagging and pleading are not effective tactics. As hard as it can be sometimes, especially where substance use is present, letting the natural consequences be the teacher may result in what you’ve been wanting to see along.
Also, when people we love have made a decision that has led to a painful lesson, let that be the teacher. The last thing they need from us is belittlement and condescension. When the only thing we may feel like saying is "I told you so" one of the more compassionate approaches could sound something like "I'm so sorry this happened. I'm here for you and support you in your next step."
As for my dad, he bought himself a shiny new helmet that he now wears on every ride.
Need to connect on a situation where you just can't seem to get out of the way to let natural consequences play out? Having a hard time grasping this topic? It can be scary to consider this, so if you need some help talking it through, please reach out.
